Oh man, I feel better now. i don't know why, but somehow i just feel better. I usually don't feel this good this fast after something depressing happens to me, maybe some closure was all i needed. I love the stuff, cant get enough of it. Im glad to hear that someone isnt going through a bunch of depressing shit like everyone seems to be lately. However, if anything was wrong, anything at all, you can talk to me about it. I'm a listening kind of guy, and I can be like your guardian archangel type deal (archangel cause it sounds more masculin than Angel). So yeah, I'm always here for you, no matter what's troubling you, so dont be hesitant to talk about it. But if you really dont want to, then thats cool too. Its your choice. I'm all up for discretion.
DGX24

Love is a place were doves die,
A place were flowers wilt,
And were dieing is being born again.
Love plays tricks on your mind,
Telling you to get high ,
Then love brings you crashing down
Love is a place where your soul cries,
A place were your heart aches,
Were nothing goes right yet its all ok.
Love is a place were there is no love at all,
Were people are sent to fool you.
Love is were I want to be

sometimes i dont understand what goes on im peoples minds one day they can be so happy the next its all fucked up i just dont know anymore i mean sometimes they dont think about how the things they do will effect others i just dont know on a lighter note i guess things are going ok in my life there are some things i wish i didnt know about but hey i know them now so it doesnt matter. any way i guess ill go before i think of something depressing to write about...j/k my life is far from depressing too bad i cant say the same thing for other people well bye

wow i didnt even notice you guys posted. stephen dont worry your life is not worthless you need to go out and have fun or just go do something you enjoy. thats really all i could tell you...i kind of agree whith ryan well not with that much rage but somewhat agree. you know sometimes it feels like people dont talk to me as much as they used to i dont know why maybe i am ignoring the people around me if thats the case i need to work on it well the bell wrang so i guess ill go hopefully next time someone post it will be about happy stuff :)

Now if i were to bitch about my life then wouldn't i be going against what you just said?
Besides, I just need to talk to her about it. Ill feel better if i just talk to her. Thats all i need. Someone who understands.
And if you think about it, nobody would read it unless i tld them about it. But i guess thats the point of diary stuff altogether. I hope shell call me though, that way i can get all this off my chest.
DGX24

That's it... i've had it... all of you need to SHUT THE FUCK UP! No one is going to read your god damn post if it's the same 'poor me' shit every day... so either bitch about how your life supposedly sucks, or bitch about how no one wants to hear about your life... one or the other.

you would like me to post again wouldnt you.
Im amazed anyone out there actually reads the stupid shit i post.
I dont even know why I started one. It's not like anyones gonna read it unless i tell them to.
besides what could there possibly be of any interest on my site in the first place? Just the mindless ranting of a heart broken fool...
I need to stop the bleeding...

wow that post was nice ... a little morbid but nice. Well things are going ok in my life, they could be hell of a lot better though but you know. Im not going to worry about things any more, at least im going to try. Its not that i dont care about what happens its just that dwelling on the past is a bad habit i have. On a lighter note im now going out with james hes hella cool, really sweet guy, my cousin cindy likes his brother. Oh cindy man did we have a good time this weekend. She didnt let me have any sleep. Shes my favorite cousin, she might come live with us next semester. Her family is pretty fucked, up i cant stand her mom, she telks to me like im her daughter, you know yells at me and stuff, not cool. But anyway we had fun. Today was my play, it went ok it was a lot better on thursday but you know. Well i guess thats all i have to write about. i hope stephen starts posting again he said he wouldnt but i like reading his posts anyway buy

he couldn't believe how easy it was
he put the gun into his face
bang
so much blood for such a tiny little hole
problems do have solutions
a lifetime of fucking things up fixed
in one determined flash
everythings blue in this world
the deepest shade of mushroom blue
all fuzzy
spilling out of my head
~Trent Reznor

See how you are? ; )

I guess I should say something thoughtful and meaningful, like everyone tells me i do all the time. I really don't see what theyre talking about though. It's like how everyone says I'm a good writer. Just cause I can write, doesn't make me a good writer. I mean, i appreciate the compliments and all, but I don't really think they are all that useful when they don't really apply to anything that's actually true. It's like how my Jenadisa or whatever the hell her name was always told me how cool i was when we were going out, and how much she liked me. Then it all turned out to be a sharade, as it was all out of mercy, and none of what she ever told me was true. I really hate it when people tell me things that aren't true in a pathetic attempt to boost my self esteem. It's like when I'm a total geek, and someone says "No, you're not!". Bald face fuckin lie. If you're gonna compliment someone, make sure it's something you can actually compliment. You lie to someone, and they might think what you're saying is true, and they'll be misled. And I guess people realize that about me, which is why I don't get compliments that often. Most of the compliments i get include the old fashioned "slut bucket", and the ever popular "stupid BITCH". But those are all just jokes and shit. Great. The only compliments I get are jokes...but they're bad ones, so I guess it's ok. People need to realize that when I say things that sound like they are serious, it's usually because I mean them. I wouldn't joke about something as serious as, say "I really hate him.", or "You are a great person to be around, so stop being a little bitch about it." And most of all, I wouldn't say "I love you." to someone unless I really meant it. I mean sure, I joke around hugging my friends sayin "I LOVE YOU MAN!!!!!" It's easy to understand, because we jump around like a bunch of morons, and make complete fools out of ourselves, which I might add is very fun. Really sitting down with someone, telling them "I love you" isn't something I would fuck around with. Not like it matters. Like I'd ever get another opportunity. But oh well, that's my life for you. SO yeah, when you say something that means alot to you, make sure you mean it. You don't want people to be led astray.
DGX24

testing

well life is going good but as always it could be better. i really dont know what the hell im going to do with my life, right now its starting to be a little bit my diverse. im trying to make new friends, just in case all my friends start to hate me at the same time... it sounds a little strange but it has happened to me before so i have to make sure i have other options so today James invited me to go to lunch with him..hes really cool but there is one thing about him...he smokes, now i woulnt mind if he smoked pot because at least your getting something out of that but he smokes cigarettes *nasty* but hey you woulndt be able to tell unless you saw him doing it so i guess whatever he wants to do. well i just found out that we have to do some group project in deans class so me joey and stephen are in a group i also asked andrew if he wanted in and he said he would think about it. well i guess thats about all i have to say... well no wait today in dance class i have to do a solo dance for a minute in front of the whole class that is going to be great im doing the one i learned from hip hop class over the summer. You know yesterday someone told me that they thought i was ignoring them all day i dont think i was but maybe i was. i kind of feel bad now because that means i was ignoring them, and if i was thats not very cool so im going to make it a point to make sure i dont do that anymore...well now i think i have run out of things to say so goodbye.

Damn Eric, that's some tough shit dude. I've known your family like my whole life practically, as you have pretty much known mine. We're like practically family, and this comes as a surprise to me as well. I wish you the best of luck man. That's some tough shit. I remember when i was suicidal in like middle school. Everyone hated me and i had no friends. I went home everyday and just thought of ways to kill myself. Poisen, slashing, gun shot, etc. The thing that held me back though was the though of not remembering anybody i loved or anything. I wouldn't remember my family or friends (not like i had any...) and i just didnt want to forget them. Man that was a shitty time. Sure i think about it once in a while, killing myslef, wondering if anyone would give a shit if i wasn't here or not. It's just a really hard thing that i hate dealing with. Life shouldn't be full of stupid shit like this. It's too fucking hard to deal with, and i'ts the last thing anybodyneeds, especially for kids in our age and time.
DGX24

hey well now its tuesday i fucking hate school it wouldnt be as bad if i didnt have to take so many stupid classes that are never going to help me in my life...well any way good news.. yesterday i got my permit :) my mom's boyfriend, Brian, took me down to the DMV i think my mom told him to because i get this wierd vibe from him like somewhere inside hes this really strnge guy but anyway he took me and i bearly passed the test...the lady said i could miss 8 and thats exaccly what i missed. my mom was even happier then i was she made me drive to Brian's house i havent driven in like 6 months so yah anyway thats about the only good thing that has happened in a while. i was tardy to first period today my uncle brought me it was 8:02 and he goes "what time do you start school" every one in the fucking world knows it starts at 8 but its ok we have a sub in dean's class well i guess thats all i have to say bye

Hey, Eric here...Ericka just told me about this blog stuff like last week, so im kinda new to it, she wants me to post on her site so i guess i better say something....wow... im kind of overwelmed by all these trent reznor and marilyn manson quotes...but i guess if i had my own then i would probably have a bunch of AFI quotes so ...yeah..anyways...something to say...um...
ok...starting over with something important to say:
i guess that ill just recap some of the crap that has happened to me over the past month...
my water polo career ended at the beginning of November with a victory, yet i didnt feel all too happy about it...maybe it was because with my uncle coaching i didnt really have fun playing water polo like i used to. the reason for this is because my relationship with my uncle has turned to crap due to some events during the season that pretty much killed any relationship we might have had. Oh well.
another little anecdote...(god, i have a sick sense of humor...my cousin says that im just jaded...maybe that's it) while my sister was on the home IV treatment, my mom found that there were a number of parallel slashes on her wrists...my mom then found out that my sister had been slashing her wrists in the bathroom with the door locked. She said that it helped her to deal with the pain (incase any readers arent aware: my sister has a life threatening disease called Cystic Fibrosis, which is a genetic disorder that causes alot of damage to the lungs and causes severe mal nutrition...i dont feel like going into the details...if u want to learn further look it up on the net...any how.. with this disease comes a life expectancy of about 22 years. pretty shitty.) of being sick and living with my dad (another deteur...my dad has been an alcoholic for as long as i can remember and that has made our family completely dysfunctional. It has also shaped the person who i am and whether that has been good or bad i cant tell...maybe someone else can help me out on this...am i a good person? anyways back to the b.s.). well this knowledge completely turned my world inside out and upside down and any other way you can think of...because i had thought that even with all of the crap that my family had gone through we were strong and immune to that kind of shit you know? I felt like crap like this only happened in those Lifetime movies or something... but i guess i was wrong...now my sister will probably be put back on prosac (a depression med) again, yet i dont see how some chemical imbalance can affect a person so greatly...i feel that humans can deal with their problems mentally not chemically...maybe im wrong..
oh by the way...my family doctor feels that our whole family should be on depression meds and have a regular counseling session...what a crock of crap, of course im depressed...who wouldnt be in my situation? but i can deal with it...i mean seriously, i dont think that any of my friends would know that i was depressed or anything unless i told them about my family life...
But now after this last thing with my sister, i feel like i cant keep up the mask of normalcy and happiness for long...i have learned that my will isnt forged of iron and that it can give...i am weak and i just dont care anymore maybe it will be better if people know more about my life...i dont know...
well, i wrote something meaningful for ericka's blog...got to go
lates

Well now what I thought has come true I wrote in one of my earlier posts that every thing you do effects other people even the simplest things well like I said it is all true ... there was some" shit " that happened and I guess I fucked with someone’s feelings and now I feel like shit so yah... that’s why I don’t like to have many friends something always happens and it pisses them off and makes you feel bad so the world would be a lot better if we were just all alone. On a happier note I had a fun weekend I got to go to the beach Sunday it was cool I got to climb rocks, found some starfish, and watched my friend catch crabs. Overall it was a fun time. Saturday my mom and I got in another big fight about why I hang out with so many guys she thinks I’m some sort of slut or something " I don’t want you around so many guys you never know what could happen" I was like you know just because you got married at 18 doesn’t mean I will too... so yah things aren’t exactly at there best between us but any way I’m going to end this hopefully next time I write it wont be a bout a bunch of bullshit so yah have a happy day

well hello im back from my wonderful trip to mexico... it was really fun even though i was scared shitless of the plane ride i survived..well lets see i cant really thgink of anything to talk about my buddies went to boomers tuesday so i guess they had a good time while i was away... from what i heard they had a great time. seriously i cant think of shit i\to write so im leaving

I'm a black rainbow
I'm an ape of God
I've got a face that's made for violence and porn
I'm a teen distortion
Survived abortion
A rebel from the waist down

~Marilyn Manson

And when the day arrives
I'll become the sky
And I'll become the sea
And the sea will come to kiss me
For I am going
Home

Nothing can stop me now

~Trent Reznor

And into asylum
Like a great black Engine
Roaring to Eternity
ravaging the already benighted landscape
with it's savage, malevolent presence
and within; the legions of the truly damned
Insanity; sheer and stark
and once in human form, now gutted and torn
by eons of glutted indulgence
their blood lust flecking the oily walls
muffled by the screams of their victims
being drawn, quartered, hung and snared.
This is the place i have not wanted to dream of
And now the dream is the place i live through.
~Michael LeRoi

Well, while Ericka's gone on her trip down south, I guess i'll be posting for a couple days in her place, just to keep thingsalive till she gets back. Ericka was kind of nervous about goin to Mexico today, as she was scared about goingon the plane. But i told her things would be ok. I cant type very much right now, because im supposed to be in comm tech watching a movie, and im typing with the monitor off. So ill probably post later.
DooMGod-X24

Well in about 3 hours I will be on my way to Las Angeles to go to Mexico. I’m really excited, but you know the weather is looking pretty bad outside, I’m kind of getting weird feelings about leaving tonight. But I don’t want to jinx anything so ill keep it to my self, any way as I was saying I’m going to Mexico I haven’t been there in about 9 years so I’m really excited to be there. We are going to go for a fiesta sort of celebration that is going on over there. I get to see my family and I’m sure I will have a great time I wont be back till Thursday that’s the only bad thing I’m going to miss my friends but ill be ok and so will they . They probably wont even notice that I am gone. At least I’m making it back in time for the Lompoc Cabrillo game no body that I hang with seems to show any interest I just think it would be fun to all hang out and have a god time but you know things cant always go your way...
well ok now lets talk about my real life... the crap that is going on in school... I just found out that this guy that I have liked since he moved here likes me and wants to get to know me... that causes so many problems that no one even knows about. sure its great that he likes me too actually I’m very happy, on the outside, but on the inside I’m trying to figure things out... I still don’t know what I’m going to do about it all. but what I do know is that once I have made my decision someone is going to be pissed off and hurt, and if that happens more people will be upset for me letting "things" get out of hand in the first place. Many of the people reading may not know what I’m talking about but one person does.... let me just say to you that I’m sorry, I should never have done the things I did. you know the doubts I had before. Well they are starting to kick in. That’s all I have to say without going into detail...

i like nirvana

im in class again and have been a good student so i get to write i am having one of those days were you sit and analyze the things that are going on in your life... its only 3rd period and im allreay pretty pissed off with the way things are going.. my life is nothing but a bunch of shit that i have to deal with even though it seems like i am the happiest person in the world i hold it all inside now im not saying this so that people will feel sorry for me im saying this becauase i have been thinking about it all lately. just trying to figureout what i have to do differently so that i can please everyone. i know that your life shouldt be one where you worry about every one elses feelings putting your last you know that is what every one says but how can you follow that when you know that what you do and the choises that you make will effect every one around you. you know sometimes things just arnt the way you want them to be and i guess thats ok cause thats life and theree is nothing you can do abuot it
(Eric's interlude)
Dispair Factor:
Along the path where the stream is talking, I breathe the mist and continue walking.
The wood it whispers in a language of its own.
As a sigh escapes my lips, I feel the light caress of fingertips that steals away the breathe and leaves me on my own.
Waiting by the stairs.
Waiting I despair.
My whole life is a dark room
One.
Big.
Dark.
Room.
Do i hear the hollow sound of footsteps resounding on this frozen ground?
Or the familiar dissapointment of the echoes of my own?
Waiting by the stairs.
Waiting I dispair.
Somehow i ended up here in between
Where there is always the comfort of knowing ill never be seen
When I fall...
I wait for just one touch
And i fall...
weightless, endless.
faithless ill adore you
a single touch before i fade
painless let me pass through.

I really don’t have much to write about but here is stuff that was on my mind a while age. You know it would be nice to have a journal that was full of great things not like mine but like ... Lestat's in Queen of the Damned. To have a life that interesting would be nice. To be a vampire would be even better, to be able to live forever and see what the world goes through while others die. Yes it would be lonely but I’m the type of person that wouldn’t be able to handle having more then 20 friends. Just one companion maybe two. But just one person to share everything with and have them feel the same way. Not have them worry about me gossiping or being disloyal. Having someone make sure they trust me. Putting me through tests, that’s no good. But then again if that one person is gone what would I do, where would I turn? I’m not ready to die. Death doesn’t scare me but I’m not inviting it. I want to live my life freely under my own rules, without worrying about what others do. Only then will I be able to die and not regret things in my life. Once I have lived for myself, on my own. Someone’s life is too precious and there isn’t enough time in the world to live your own and control someone else’s. There are people in my family who have yet to learn that

well lets see i really dont have much to write about but i hsvent posted in a while so yah...i love reading stephens posts, i always get a smile on my face when i read them he writes so well its like reading poetry i wish i could write like that... well (joey) got us kicked out of our lunch spo uesterday well ok maybe it wasnt him exactly but we got kicked off anyway so now we have to go find someware else to hang out during lunch. but anyway ...stephen just did his presentation in rop how cute he likes waffels kittins and fast cars.. well in two daays i will be l leaving to mexico... im kind of afraid too goo because i hate going on planes they really scare me .. alot. but hopefully if i dont die on the way over there i will have a good time. well i just did my presintaion and i guess i did ok .. im just glad i got it over with though. so anyway i cant really think of anthing to talk about. you know i never have much to say when i turn on the computer but when its all in my head i have pleanty to talk about i dont know its kind of wierd. but any way i started talking to some guy i met on the internet a bit... i went to his blogspot one day and he seems like a really cool person so i decided to bug him on instant messenger. personally my life is going pretty good now, it could be a little but you know we cant heve everything we want. andrew wants me to write about peanuts so i will .... i hate them.
well the bell just rang so bye
love
ericka natalie michelle rodriguez
Hey now im in typing class which i really hate but i have been a good student so i get free time :) but any way eric is sitting here next to me being a great friend that he is decided to waist his free period and come join me in my class... how nice. he has a waterpolo game today that i am going to go to to cheer him on well i guess tahts it bye.

well today was ok i guess. it could have been better. you know there is a certain person that i have been talking to lately that i think i have become attached to. this could be a bad thing because my mom does not like him and he really is a cool guy to be with. i dont know why but i think because my moms boyfriend saw something wierd in him she does too. hopefully i can change her mind becasue she does not let me do a lot with him. you know i am getting really tired of my mom makeing all these rules for me now im not saying that when im 18 i can do whatever i want but you know i will be in 3 monthes and she should start letting me do a lot more. i think one of the problems is that all my friends are guys its not my fault that girls and i dont get along all the girl friends that i have had have allways talked about me behind my back i really dont need that. my mom is always telling me that if i were to hang out with more girls she would let me do more. but why would she want that if she knows how much i cant stand girls now there are exception but it just seems like guys are nicer and a hell of a lot funner to be around. i dont know i just know that when i am 18 there are going to be more then a few changes in my house maybe if my mom didnt spend so much time with her boyfriend and leave me watching my sister things woulnt be so bad. im not saying that my sister is a berdon shes cool its just my mom that i am a little agrivated with... but dont worry i love my mommy. any way back to my guy thing he is really cool and sweet and cute and he treats me like i mean the world to him i almost forgot what it feels like to have someone like you that much
well i guess this is pretty long so ill go
love,
ericka natalie michelle rodriguez

well yesterday was halloween and i had a great time of course halloween is the best day of the year in my opionion it is even better then christmas im not really into the whole jesus christmas thing. but any way i was soposed to go with eric and go with him and his sister trick or treating but at the last minet my mother had what you would call a nervouse brakdown and the plans were ruined, so i had to go with my sister my aunt and my two cousins. it was fun but i think that i would have had more fun with eric. then later daniel had people come over to his house and hang out get this when i asked my mom if i could go she said no because she was tired, she was tired. so i told her that one of them could come get me and take me home and she still said no ... so i went to bed early and got a lot of sleep. there were other things that went on yesterday but considering the people that read this i ddont think i should write that... maybe some other time. oh i guess i should say that my "guy problems" arnt that much of a problem anymore. i think i have most things figured out although i must say there are some things i would have never guessed. well i guess that is all i have to say so bye
love
ericka rodriguez